Coming Out

I have kept a big secret from my family, as well as many of my friends and colleagues, for many years now. If they knew the truth, it would break many of their hearts. I would be ostracized from their society and seen as some kind of evil monster. Let's just say that people like me are not well tolerated in the region where I was born.

The big, evil secret is that I don't believe in many of the things that they hold dear. To get right to the worst of it, I don't believe in god. I'm an atheist. It actually feels really good to write that! Admitting that I don't have an established belief in some kind of omnipotent deity feels so right, so honest. Anything else that I say or write just feels like a lie, like I'm trying to cover up my own feelings to make someone else feel better. I've got to say it again - I don't believe in god! Whew....what a relief.

I've never been able to tell my family for fear of ripping their hearts to shreds, and I'm scared to tell almost anyone from the south (where I grew up) for fear of immediate and total rejection. Remember that atheists are among the least trusted group of people in the states, I guess because we scare people. The word "atheist" invokes an image of an angry, miserable, callous monster for many people, even among those who are not particularly religious. That really makes me sad, because I don't feel like that kind of entity - painting me as a hateful monster is not accurate or fair.

Now, I'm subject to fits of depression and emotional numbness just like everyone else. The frequency and severity of these bouts are influenced by a million things from my genes to the weather, again just like everyone else. But I'm also capable of being happy and satisfied. It is possible that I would be happier with a belief in god? Possibly so, but it depends on what kind of god we're talking about here. The god of my childhood is a truly terrifying and unpredictable entity who loves and provides with one hand but tosses you into a pit of eternal torment with the other, at the slightest provocation. He's a real fusion of new and old testament, whose love and hatred burn with equal intensities and boil over at seemingly random times. I most definitely would not be happier believing that this kind of monster rules the universe. From what I've seen, many of the other gods out there are just as evil.

That being said, if you find that believing in god makes you happier, please do so! I've no right to tell how how to be happy and no desire to impose my worldview on you. All that I ask is that you give me the same courtesy in return. Please don't get mad at me when I say I don't believe in god, and don't assume that I'm a bad person simply because I don't go to church. Just let me be, and don't read my posts if you don't want my opinions.

As for what I do believe in, I'll take my chances with this world. I'll take my chances believing in what we can see and test and comprehend. I'll risk it all by believing that humanity is a heroic sort of creature, stranded on a little rock circling a burning star and constantly fighting back the encroaching darkness. Most of all, I'll risk it all by believing that we can succeed in this struggle, at least for a beautiful, brilliant little while.